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Dear Evan

Dear Evan
September 30, 2015 2 minute read

Looking back, my pregnancy was full of tears, joyful ones. Even in all my happiness then, I couldn’t believe it was possible to love someone so much that tears would come at the just the thought of that person. Of course that person was you.

At our 10 week ultrasound, I felt a lump in my throat as I saw you and heard your heart beat for the first time. It was from that moment that I really believed you were real and that I wasn’t just dreaming you up in my mind. The pregnancy tests all showed it and so did my nausea, but hearing your tiny heart beat that afternoon…it changed my world.

At our 20 week ultrasound, I teared up as soon as I saw you on the screen. Your perfect squirmy little body, showing off and saying hello to us. There was a scare leading up to this ultrasound and so we knew it was an important scan, even more so than finding out if you were a boy or girl, and just seeing you again overwhelmed me with feelings of happiness. You’re my baby and I had so many hopes and dreams for you.

A month before you were born, I was reading a book that a friend gifted to us called “Wherever You Are, my love will find you,” and I cried after reading the first page:

“I wanted you more than you ever will know, so I sent love to follow wherever you go.” The book goes on to say, “If you’re still my small babe or you’re all the way grown, my promise to you is you’re never alone. […]You are my angel, my darling, my star[…]and my love will find you, wherever you are.” (This book was later read at your funeral by your aunt.)

kathy lui

These words spoke deeply to my heart – they meant so so much to me and I cried mother tears. I loved you so much already and I couldn’t wait to meet you, to raise you, to teach and show you everything I know.

So I cried quite a few times while you were still making my belly your home, but they were all tears of adoration for you, a testament to how deep my love runs for you. And it will never die for as long as I’m living.

Happy 3 months, baby. I hope you can still feel my love as strongly today as you did when I carried you under my heart.

Sincerely,
Mama

 

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